A Comeback

Assalamualaikum, and Good Morning, Sunday!

Good morning, everybody. Semoga semua orang sedang berada dalam keadaan kesihatan yang paling baik, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I am so, so sorry sebab sudah lama sangat tidak update blog. To those who follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, anda pasti tahu saya masih hidup, sihat, dan gembira di samping keluarga tersayang, walaupun ada pasang surutnya. I am still active online, only not on my blog. Kenapa? Sebab throughout this one and a half month, saya lebih banyak sedih daripada happy. Lebih banyak menangis daripada senyum. And those who know me as a blogger pastinya tahu saya paling tidak suka tulis time saya sedih. Nanti saya tulis entry berbaur emosi. Nanti saya merepek meraban. Nanti orang yang baca pun emosi sama. Saya tidak suka. Kalau boleh, biarlah blog ini hanya menyimpan kenangan termanis dalam hidup saya. Kalau saya hendak tulis tentang perkara yang tidak best pun, biarlah selepas saya selamat mengharunginya. Biarlah apabila saya sudah kembali waras.

OK, and now I am waras. HAHAHA.

Sebenarnya bukanlah masalah besar pun. Masalahnya cuma start bulan puasa hari itu, expressed breast milk (EBM) yang saya stock-kan untuk Tihani telah berkurangan. Bukan sahaja berkurangan, tetapi telah menjadi ZERO! Those breastfeeding mothers yang kais pagi makan pagi, yang tidak ada stock walau 1oz pun dalam fridge pasti tahu apa maksud menggelupur when this happens. Serious menggelupur.

Reason #1: Sejak start kerja baru ini, milk pumping schedule telah bertukar.

Milk Pumping Schedule at My Previous Workplace (23 May 2012 - 1 July 2012)

9 am - 12 pm - 3 pm - 6 pm

Milk Pumping Schedule at My Current Workplace (effective 2 July 2012)

7.30 am - 12 pm - 5 pm

Kalau tengok, gap antara milk pumping session semakin besar. Menyebabkan badan take time untuk  menjadi serasi. Dan dalam badan cuba untuk serasi, Ramadhan pun tiba. Milk production drop menggila sebab dalam badan belum serasi dengan schedule baru, badan pula tidak mendapat makanan pada waktu siang. This is Reason #2. So what happened was, I only managed to bring back approximately 12oz or less every working day when Tihani drinks 24oz or more every day. So apa saya buat? Kasi keluarlah itu stock dalam freezer semua! I did not have much stock. Cuma bekalan untuk 2 weeks or so, sebab saya pakai one-door fridge so stock pun memang ngam-ngam dengan tempoh masa yang boleh disimpan oleh a one-door fridge.

Setiap hari asyik keluarkan stock daripada freezer sahaja sampaikan saya jadi panic gila pada suatu petang balik kerja tengok tinggal 6 bottles sahaja di dalam fridge. 6 bottles means a day and a half sahaja untuk Tihani survive. Selepas a day and a half itu, mana hendak cekau susu? Saya pula bawa pulang dalam 2 botol kecil sahaja every day when I get back from work. Time itu serious panic. Beberapa hari sebelum itu pun saya sudah start bawakan kurang sedikit susu ke rumah Mak, hoping that Tihani will drink less or sleep more or whatever. I told Mak susu saya sudah start kurang. As a typical middle-aged woman, Mak suggested that I top up with formula milk or Nestum to keep Tihani full. Tihani was not even 5 months yet at that time so I was a bit depressed. Bukannya saya fanatik sangat about giving my girl breast milk because time Myiesha dahulu umur dia 2 bulan saya sudah start berikan dia Dumex pada siang hari when I go to work. But this time hati ini kuat sangat to make it happen. I really, really want to breastfeed Tihani until the age of 2. I want to do this. Seriously.

Setiap hari pulang ke rumah Mak after work, Mak cakap pasal Tihani tidak tidur sangat. Tihani banyak jaga. Tihani merengek. Tihani meragam. Tihani nampak macam tidak kenyang. When can I start with Nestum? I cried almost every day. Malam. Siang. At work. Fikir macam mana hendak banyakkan susu. How do I make things work? Should I give up? Time Myiesha dahulu relax sahaja, but why this time I am like this? I did not want to give up! 5 days before Ramadhan ended, saya minta izin Mett untuk tidak berpuasa. I know Mett was not very happy. Setiap hari pun dia tanya saya, Tidak puasa ke? I said, No. Saya tetapkan hati saya untuk tidak berpuasa. I was desperate. Tihani needs milk more than anything in the world. Dan saya adalah seorang ibu yang berkemampuan. I can do it. Saya bukannya sakit or apa. I just need a bit of time and consistency, that is all. 

After days Mak talked to me about giving Tihani Nestum dan nampak seperti pujukannya tidak berjaya, pada suatu hari in the car on the way back from work, Mett pula talk dengan saya about giving Tihani Nestum. Time itu Tihani baru sahaja menginjak usia 5 bulan. I broke down. Saya menangis macam perempuan mati laki. I pleaded to him. I said, please, please give me just 1 more month and this will be over for good. Kalau betul saya memang tidak mampu selepas itu, saya redha. Kasi lah Tihani minum formula milk. Kasi lah Tihani makan Nestum. Kasi lah Tihani makan bubur. Or nasi lemak. Or mee goreng. Or spaghetti bolognese. Whatever. Asalkan after she is 6 months old. Mett pelik, dia tanya kenapa emotional sangat? It is just about feeding Tihani. Time Myiesha dahulu umur dia 4 bulan saya sudah excited gila kasi Nestum. Kenapa kali ini kena macam ini?

I told him, to be honest saya orangnya adalah sangat pemalas. Saya orangnya adalah sangat hangat-hangat tahi ayam. Saya orangnya adalah sangat cepat give up, especially benda-benda yang menyusahkan saya like managing EBM. Bawa breast pump pergi balik kerja setiap hari. Bawa cooler bag and ice block pergi balik kerja setiap hari. Pump milk seorang diri in the office instead of joining colleagues out for lunch. Pump milk seorang diri in the office after working hours time colleagues semua sudah terbang pulang. Bangun malam dan dinihari untuk pam susu lagi. Dan yang paling malas, haruslah tang cuci breast pump! Ada disposable breast pump tak? Selalu sangat after pumping milk rasa macam hendak tinggal sahaja breast pump dalam sink sampai tumbuh pokok cendawan!

So if I stop now, if I start giving formula milk and Nestum to Tihani, I can see that the chance of me stop pumping milk will be very, very high. 100% kot? HAHAHA. Seriously! Mindset terus akan bertukar menjadi, Eh kenapa susah-susah pump milk? Formula milk kan ada? Mindset terus akan bertukar menjadi, Eh kenapa susah-susah bawa breast pump and cooler bag ke sana sini? Pakai vintage handbag pergi kerja kan lagi stylo? Mindset terus akan bertukar menjadi, Eh kenapa susah-susah pam susu time lunch kat office? Join budak-budak pergi lunch sedap kan lagi best?

Ahh I know that I will stop pumping milk. I just know!

So saya merayu pada Mett to give me a week, paling kurang. Kalau tak a week, just one weekend. Saya janji akan stock up balik. Saya janji akan produce susu yang mencukupi untuk Tihani. Saya janji itu saya janji ini. But how was I going to do it, I have no idea!

I called Aishah and ordered a set of Shaklee supplement. I then got myself a bottle of Fenugreek from GNC. I got myself a bottle of Habbatus' Sauda from a jamu shop. I started doing power pumping every time I had a chance. I do tandem pumping all the time. I eat whatever I want to eat. I drink lotsa water. I tried to be happy as much as I can. But 'try to be happy' here is still stress. I know I must be genuinely happy for the milk production to increase. But how? Ahh. Stress lagi. Apa hendak buat? Shopping lah! I will be VERY happy if I get to go jalan-jalan. If I get to shop. If I get to eat good food. 8 daripada 9 nafsu saya semua ke arah sini. So dapat sahaja gaji, saya ketepikan sedikit untuk benda-benda gini. Mett started to think that bini dia sudah start jadi gila. HAHA. But really, please a woman, and she will do just anything for you. Not only for you, but also for your kids.

So that was what I did. Setiap hari bekerja keras untuk cukupkan susu untuk Tihani. Macam-macam saya buat. Daripada pekakkan telinga apabila orang 'nasihatkan' ini dan itu, sampailah pam dengan bersungguh-sungguh. But I forgot that the results do not come overnight. Saya ingat besoknya saya sudah jadi SuperWoman. Sudah ada susu air terjun! But no! It takes days. Weeks. Even months. And believe it or not, baru seminggu ini saya dapat stock up 6 bottles for Tihani once again selepas dekat 2 bulan with zero stock. It was a nightmare. Seriously. If I were being given a choice, I would choose not to go through it ever again. Setiap hari pun menangis macam orang gila. I was down. I was sad. I was depressed. I was frustrated. I did not know what I was thinking. Ada masanya saya rasa macam hendak campak sahaja breast pump ke luar tingkap. Or just go to the nearest post office and courier it to Aishah! Saya sampai fikir kalau benda ini buat saya sedih, buat saya susah hati, kenapa saya hendak teruskan. Baik stop and be happy for good. But at the same time saya terfikir, will I be happy if I stop? Is this the best decision? Saya tidak tahu kenapa keinginan untuk terus breastfeed Tihani kuat sangat pada kali ini. But I am confident I am doing the right thing. And Allah is here. Kenapa saya perlu ragu-ragu dengan ketentuanNya. Kalau Dia masih izinkan, kalau masih rezeki Tihani, pastinya Dia tidak akan mengecewakan mereka yang berusaha. :)

It has been a long episode. And guess this entry explains why I did not update my blog for so long. Because I was so sad sampaikan saya tidak tahu macam mana hendak tulis. Mood hendak tulis pun tidak ada kalau sudah hari-hari pun menangis. So I think it is best if I just go through it all first then write when I am ready. And Alhamdulillah, I feel better and more stable now walaupun saya agak gagal juga because Tihani started with Nestum at 5 1/2 months. But as for milk, she is still solely on her mother's milk so I still have a reason to keep on pumping. Oh, and one more thing kenapa saya rasa penting sangat for Tihani to stick to breast milk is because she has eczema. Doctor bilang, formula milk might not suit her. So daripada pening kepala pasal lagi satu benda, I'd better pump and know she gets the best.

So this was life for the past 2 months. Raya was OK, the girls are OK. InsyaAllah nanti ada masa, dan kalau rajin I will publish all the stories bit by bit. Kalau rasa rindu sangat kat Myiesha and Tihani, follow me on Twitter or Instagram. Almost every day pun ada gambar baru yang adorable sungguh. Haha puji anak sendiri nampak! 'Til then, have a great Sunday everybody! :D